Happy year of the Monkey!

It seems my solar new year resolution to blog more hasn’t really panned out, so now I’m giving myself a second chance with lunar new year and making sure to share something at this auspicious time.

First off, as my friend R put it, nomo chemo! My last infusion was on February 3 and today marks the two week period where normally I’d be at Dana Farber and sweating as I prepare myself for the IV insertion. Instead, this morning I had an easy breakfast at home, got to see a friend from Virginia, took a walk, and did a little bit of work. It’s a relief to have this short respite from the clinic. During the last few visits, I think I started to get some anticipatory or associative anxiety where I would feel just a bit unsettled inside. For example, I would suddenly feel exhausted just riding in the car heading to Dana Farber for an acupuncture appointment, even though moments before departure I would be full of energy.

With one chapter of treatment behind me, I’m beginning to look ahead to hopefully post-cancer life. There’s still surgery–and potentially radiation–to go, but with the routine of chemotherapy over, I feel more ready to visualize what it is that I want for myself a few months or a year out.

For me, I want my physical strength and energy back. I’ve never seen myself as particularly athletic and I wouldn’t say that I have boundless energy. I’ve never been one who has to exercise to feel good or centered, and remaining active isn’t a notable preoccupation. But now, every day, I long to feel energetic and to be able to go about a regular day’s schedule without feeling depleted. While I’ve experienced many side effects that have been unpleasant, fatigue has by far been the most trying. It’s like an ether that I’m suspended in, invisible yet ever present. And it constantly reminds me that something is amiss—oh, walking around the block never used to be tiring, making breakfast was never taxing before, sitting up straight shouldn’t be so hard…

So, I want my energy back, but I also want to feel strong. My aim is that within a year, I’d like to run at least a half marathon again and do an overnight hike (which I’ve never tried before). Anyone else in?